2018 – NEW YEAR, NEW ME? NOT EXACTLY….

Every year, I get really excited for New Years. I start in Mid-December; my bucket list for the New Year, resolutions, goals, vision boards.  Every year, it’s always the same.  I’m going to be super healthy & meal prep every single day.  I am going to plan a workout routine and stick to it.  I’m going to be so positive, and no negativity will be allowed anywhere near my bubble. I typically start out doing really well with my resolutions/goals, and then slowly, as the year goes on, my progress just kind of….fades.  Sometimes I don’t even realize it’s happening until I’ve already fallen completely off the wagon.

I started out this year like I typically do – I made my vision board, I made a list of goals, and things I would like to do this year.  Only this time around, I adjusted my plans just a tad.  I didn’t start with the “New Year, New Me” mentality like I normally would have.  How is “New Year, New Me” a healthy mindset?  That’s like saying something is wrong with the “old me”, and that’s not true.  I want to be the same me, just a better, improved version of myself.  And I believe that every single year, I do work on that.  When I look at where I was five years ago, mentally, spiritually, emotionally – I know I have grown tremendously.  No, I might not be where I want to be physically – yet, but that will come.  I have a very “all or nothing” mentality, and I want to banish that this year.  My goals do not have to be all or nothing, because for me, that’s unrealistic.  I don’t like working out, not really.  (I always feel great after I work out, but getting myself to go to the gym is a struggle.)  This year, I would like to find a work out that I actually enjoy.  And no, I’m not going to work out every single day.  (Maybe, eventually, one day I will want to do that.  But to start out, I know I won’t stick to that.  I would basically be setting myself up for failure.)

Yes, I do have many goals I would like to accomplish this year – only, this time around, I want to take it slow.  I don’t care if I move at turtle’s pace, progress is progress.  It doesn’t matter to me how long it takes.  I think human beings in general should be constantly evolving and growing.  I believe that I will forever be “a work in progress” – because no one is perfect, and trying to obtain some level of perfection is just ridiculous.  And for the first time ever, I realize that I’m okay with that.  More than okay, actually.  I don’t feel overwhelmed by my resolutions this time around; I feel excited.  And it’s really good feeling.

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With that being said, however, it did take me some time to actually come to this realization.  I had a conversation with my Mom, and she helped me put things into perspective.  We are only a few days into 2018, and I told her I was feeling kind of depressed.  It’s been so cold here in New England, it hurts just to step outside.  I also had some kind of bug on the 2nd, and I finally started to feel like myself this morning, so I was sick for a couple of days.  There’s also a blizzard outside currently,  and I hate that trapped feeling, even though I’m grateful for a snow day.  So yeah, being cooped up for the last four days and not feeling well can obviously make a person feel somewhat blah.  I shared with her that I get really excited for the New Year, and then when January rolls around I realize that everything is still exactly the same.  Saying it aloud made me realize how ridiculous I sounded.  When the clock strikes midnight on January 1st, nothing magical happens – of course everything is the same.  Things only change when you change them.  Just because it’s a New Year doesn’t mean that my mindset is going to automatically be positive – that’s something that I have to actively work on. Especially because I’m prone to anxiety, which in turn, does make me feel depressed.  Talking things through with my Mom made me feel better, and it helped me put some perspective on my goals and ways that I can accomplish them.  (Thanks Mama, I love you!)

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I usually don’t share my Vision Boards, but lately I’ve really been into putting things out into the Universe that you want, so here we go.  Keywords from my board:

  • Engagement
  • New Home
  • Trust yourself
  • Self-employed
  • Create
  • Travel
  • In Love
  • Fearless
  • Bright Future
  • Balance
  • Blonde Ambition
  • Self Care
  • Happy Place
  • Be yourself
  • Health

These keywords are ultimately what I want, and some are what I have (but would like to grow more with/learn more of).  It’s out there in the Universe, and I’m ready for it.  (Side Note: I’m aware that I have a blank space on there….I’ve tried to fill it, and I’ve yet to find something that I believe fits.  We’ll see.)

When I reviewed my Vision Board from last year, I did notice that some (not all) of what I had wanted did come true. I’ll show you:

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2017 Vision Board:

  • Bebe Rexha (the Platinum blonde @ the top left-ish) > I’m finally back to blonde.
  • Find your voice at work/upgrade your job > I have 100% found my voice at work.  I also got the raise I asked for.
  • The pretty desk > My desk may not be as pretty as the one in my board, but I did get one, and I now have my own writing space.  I also made it cute.
  • Power Couple/Feeling the love/Really big love/Dinner for two/Look hot together/Forever > I fall more in love with Saul every single day. I know that sounds cheesy, but I don’t care.  He’s my person, and I just love him so much.
  • “Private Show” ~ Britney Spears > I went to Vegas with Melissa and finally saw Brit perform Piece of Me.  One of my favorite memories of 2017 for sure.
  • Escape to the country > Traveled to Wisconsin for Jessi’s wedding over the Summer.  It was wonderful.
  • Let the good times roll > I had a lot of fun memories this year – Vegas, Jena’s birthday in Newport, Jessi’s Wedding, Girls days, weddings in general, etc.
  • Engagement > No, I’m not yet engaged, however, Saul & I did go look at rings, and that was a huge step for us.  And an extremely exciting one.

No, not everything came true from the board.  But like I said before – I am a work in progress.  What I want is out in the Universe, and what’s meant to happen will happen when it’s supposed to.  Until then,  I will keep working on/towards my goals, and working on being the best version of me that I can be.

 

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This year, I do vow to blog more.  It’s funny – I started off this morning racking my brain about what to post for my blog, and I kept coming up blank. My creative juices were so not flowing, and I was annoyed.  I also shared this with my mom.  After we spoke about that, along with my feelings on the new year, she suggested I blog about everything that we had spoken about.  “You think I should blog about the fact that I can’t come up with a topic for a blog?” I asked her skeptically.  “Not just that,” she had responded.  “How you were feeling about the new year, and not being able to come up with anything.”  I wasn’t sure at first, but once I sat down at the computer and started, it came.  Sometimes you can find inspiration in the most unlikely of places.

 

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I hope everyone’s 2018 is going wonderfully so far.  And if it’s not, it’s okay!  Every day is a new chance to get it right.

 

 

xo

 

 

Beautiful Chaos – A Year of Growth

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since my last blog post.  Life has been kind of crazy – both good and bad – especially with the Holidays.  I am so ready to say ‘see you later!’ to 2016.  Overall, 2016 was a very difficult year for me.  I’ve lost people that I love.  I’ve received horrible news on more than one occasion.  I experienced panic attacks, and overwhelming sadness.  I began to doubt myself about things I once felt extremely confident in.  I felt like one bad thing was happening after the other, and I began to feel defeated.  And honestly, I felt somewhat sorry for myself.  I had never truly experienced genuine hardships in the past.  At least, nothing compared to the past six months.  I didn’t know how to handle my emotions.  I became annoyed with myself when I couldn’t just “get over” it.  I grew frustrated when my anxiety began to rear it’s ugly head – wasn’t I past all of this?

What I did not realize six months ago, though, was that my feelings were normal.  When something bad happens, of course you’re going to feel sad.  I’m  so sensitive, and extremely empathetic.  I like to be able to fix things and make people feel better, so when I was unable to do that for my loved ones, it upset me.  My anxiety was also normal (which I think I actually knew, deep down), I just did not want to deal with it.  I was very hard on myself during this time, and looking back now, I wish that I gave myself a break.

Before I go any further, I do want to say that this year was not entirely awful.  I had some huge moments this year – good ones.  For one, I moved in with Saul, in May.  (I had basically been living there since February, but May we made it official.)  I absolutely love living with Saul – what’s better than having a sleepover every night with your best friend?  Saul turned 30 this year, so for his birthday (and Jordan’s) we traveled to Punta Cana for a week.  It was so amazing.  I had never been anywhere tropical, nor I had ever stayed at an All-Inclusive Resort.  I had such a wonderful time.  I had fun nights out with my girlfriends,too.  (Like the night I owed Jena $60 for taking a Lyft from her house in Lynnfield back to West Roxbury.)  Jessi’s Bachelorette Weekend was such a blast – definitely one of my favorite memories of 2016.  I also had my ten year high school reunion (I feel so old!) and I had a really good time going out that night as well.  I saw friends I hadn’t seen in a long time, and it was so nice to reconnect with them.  My bond with my loved ones grew stronger, too.  So no, not everything was bad.  But that’s how life goes, right?

I feel like this year was a year of growth for me.  I do feel like I’ve “grown up” a lot.  I am a year older (hello, 28!), and though I’ve clearly been an “adult” for awhile, it didn’t always feel that way.  I think in the past six months alone, I’ve grown tremendously.  And when I look back to five years ago, I can clearly see how far I have come.  I am no longer the same girl that I was at 23, 25, or even 27.  I’m maturing and growing everyday, and understanding myself better along the way.  And for that, I’m glad, and thankful.

Although I’ve learned a lot, I’m still learning.  When I started writing this blog post, I was actually going to title it “AN EYE FOR AN EYE WILL ONLY MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD BLIND”, and it was going to be about kindness. (My brain had other ideas when I began typing, clearly.)  I do want to talk about kindness though, and a lesson that I learned recently.

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I will not name names, or go into great detail, but recently, I received a “gift” from someone that I found to be really offensive.  It was a self-help book (which I didn’t really realize until later) , and it basically talks about not taking things personally, etc.  (Kind of ironic how personally I took it, LOL.)  If I had received this gift from my Mom, or someone else really close to me, I don’t think I would have taken it so personally.  But to get this book from someone who is not close to me – it actually seemed like a dig, to be honest.  Why is she giving me this?  I wondered.  It made me think something was wrong with my character.  At first, I brushed it off.  But a week later, when I was in Barnes and Noble, casually browsing every aisle, I came across the book, in the self-help section.  I immediately became infuriated – who was she to give me a self-help book!? I was so mad.  What I decided to do, I’m not proud of now.  At the time, I didn’t really think anything of it.  When this person’s birthday rolled around, I gave them a book, too.  It was a book about being kind.  And I actually thought it was a good idea, until I saw the look on their face when they opened it.  And I felt horrible. It was at that very moment that I realized – “getting even” did not make me feel any better.  Yes, I felt bad about myself when I received my gift.  But making that person feel bad, too – well, that just made me feel terrible.  I told Saul the story right after it happened, and how giving that book didn’t make me feel any better.  “Well, I could have told you that,” he said.  I asked him why, and he replied, “Because you’re a nice person, Erica.  Doing something like that is not in your nature.”  And he is absolutely right.

From now on, I will always choose kindness.  Getting revenge is not who I am, and neither is being catty or petty.  I will take the high road, always.  Kindness is always the best answer, even if at the time, you don’t think so.  I don’t want to feel bad about myself, nor do I want to hurt anyone’s feelings – even if they’ve hurt mine.  Like Ghandi says, “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind”- and he’s correct.

I probably won’t post anything else in 2016, so I guess this is a farewell blog post.  Farewell to a year filled with loss, love, heartbreak, laughter, change, growth, confusion, happiness – a year filled with a billion different emotions.

Farewell to 2016, a year of beautiful chaos.

 

 

 

xo